All in the Family

As I made my rounds on my "Morning Mowing Meditation" in the orchard, I was amazed once again to see the beauty of our farm. I also noted how strange it is to be down to only 3 horses. It seems like just yesterday that we had 7. I also remembered when Stan's horse Chief died and how the rest of the animals would neigh and call out as if they could call him back to the pasture. He was their gentle leader and protected them for so many years. You could feel the other horses sadness especially Shadow, Chief's best buddy, who continued to look for Chief until his last day on the farm.

Many times our farm life imitates our home life and this is one of those times. Horses are herd animals and if one is taken away they all become very unsettled no matter how close or distant they were to the one that left. The energy is forever changed between the animals and things that they would have never paid any attention to now scares them as they don't want to lose any member of their family.

I remember taking in our friends horse and how that crazy and neurotic gelding almost tore down our barn because it couldn't seem to get along with any of the other horses. His name was "Radar". Very fitting as he had an overactive sense of everything around him and would jolt anytime you even thought of getting near him. The more we tried to love him, the worse he misbehaved. We were so glad when we were able to send him away so that our horses could recover and we could repair the damage his negative energy, fear and paranoia had done to the barn. We tried to take good care of Radar but when it was at the expense of our own beloved animals we had to send him back to his owners to protect our own herd.

I'm sure you have also read in earlier posts about our pony Little Red and how her adventurous spirit lead her to run away any time she could. We wanted Radar to leave as much as we wanted Little Red to stay. I loved that little pony with all my heart as she made my little girls dreams come true.

 I loved watching Lexie brush her and feed her and hold her. There was a magical connection between those two. A connection that she didn't have with anyone else. One of my husband's favorite memories was of surprising Lexie with her own pony. Those were some very special times. But no matter how much love and affection we gave Little Red, she wanted to be free more than she wanted to be loved in the way we had intended. As Lexie out grew her favorite pony, we decided to sell her to a little boy who could enjoy her. We sadly sent her on her way in hopes that a little boy would love her the way she wanted to be loved.

                                                                                Myla Dog
So many things have been changing with so much of our family. Our immediate family, extended family, adopted family and so on. Even our Animal family. Here on the farm, it is interesting to watch as the different animals interact. We watched our dog Maddie mother our 2 cats when they were tiny kittens. They grew up knowing that if they needed protection, Maddie would be there to save the day. Then Maddie had to be put down and the cats have been more than a little leery of the new farm dog. To them, Myla has been a big, black, intimidating creature that they want nothing to do with. Although Myla sits back and doesn't understand why they hiss at her when she tries to give them a kiss. She is just a snugly puppy who forgets she is not a little dog anymore. Last night was the first time that our cat Oreo actually jumped on the bed to visit with us even though Myla was taking her fair share of our "Country" King. I think he realized that Myla wasn't going to eat him after all so there we all sat in peace. Oreo didn't have to like it, he could hate Myla all he wanted, but he would have to put up with her to be close to the rest of us.

As you have read in earlier posts, family has always meant so much to me since I had so little of it. There are people that I miss every day and just like those horses, I wish I could call them back to spend just one more day with me here on the farm. There are also people and places in my life that I had put away in attempt to protect myself from pain.

It is interesting how reading an obituary in the local paper suddenly took me back to the place where time stood still. I have been on a path that has allowed me a deeper understanding of forgiveness and unconditional love. Although learning those lessons have come from the "gifts" of painful relationships being brought from the shadows of long forgotten memories to stand in the light of day. As I re-evaluate the pains of the past it's strange how a decade of my life has come back to be released and allowed back peacefully into the timeline of my existence.

As I open an old box of photographs I am finally able to see them only as the moments in time that they captured. It's like viewing them for the first time because when they were locked away, they were covered in a blanket of pain and heartache. As humans, we tend to want to categorize things. Things are right or wrong, good or bad, acceptable or not. Loveable and unlovable. It's difficult to keep everything we encounter into a "corral" of it's own in a futile attempt to control something that wasn't meant to be controlled. I also realize that as forgiving and accepting as we try to be, there are certain times in life that doing the right thing means walking away from relationships that are harmful and even though some may not understand it, it actually is the loving thing to do.

Our hearts are broken for family members lost much too soon. We also pray for those left behind, that they find comfort in knowing they will be reunited with their loved ones somewhere in time. We acknowledge that even though we may have been unable to love as we wanted to in some cases that it doesn't lessen the importance of the time we spent together. We turn the desire to control things over to a loving heavenly father as we keep our love all in the family and embrace the unknown.