Time and Little Goodbyes

(JUST A WARNING...THIS IS A REALLY LONG BLOG SO GET YOURSELF A COLD DRINK, YOU MAY BE HERE AWHILE)
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven". This sentence was an insomnia induced epiphany I had last night around 2am. I couldn't get it out of my head. I went to the internet and searched to see where in the bible I could find the mystery verse that was playing like a broken record in my frontal lobe and robbing me of my precious sleep. Thank goodness for the internet and for Stan. You see, this is a common occurance. I ask for guidance and something will come to me but since I am not what you would call a scripture scholar, I have no clue where to find what I know is going to be some really important message that I am about to miss out on. Inevitably, Stan or LDS.org comes in handy to fill in my blanks. You see, Stan, my sweet and loving redneck-heathen husband, served a mission to China and the Phillipines. He is a walking treasure trove of gospel knowledge...WHO KNEW???

So I wrote down the 1st verse and went to bed. Seems that just knowing where I could find it was enough to allow me to drift off into dreamland for a whole 4 hours. The next morning, I read verses 2-8 that goes on to mention all the things that there are a time for according to Ecclesiastes Chapter 3. Live/Die; Plant/Pluck; Kill/Heal; Break down/Build up; Weap/Laugh; Mourn/Dance; Cast away/Gather together; Embrace/Let go; Get/Loose; Keep/Cast Away; Rend/Sew(yeah I had to look "rend" up and it means to tear which makes the "sew" part pretty self explanitory...duh); Silence/Speak; Love/Hate; War/Peace. After looking back at the list, I had to admit the guilt that I was able to rid myself of for feelings and actions that until this moment, I had been beating myself up for. So let me get this straight...there really IS a time for all this? SWEET! Not that I have killed anyone or anything but I think I covered the rest of them pretty good.

Realization #1 - Life on the farm has taught me well the lesson that there is indeed a season, time and purpose for everything that happens here. In the Spring it is a time of renewal. Out with the old, in with the new. Pulling the remnants of last years garden and tilling the soil is a requirement to ensure that during the summer and fall season we will enjoy an abundant harvest. As I look at the giant weed patch which stands where last years "bounty" resided and I see the corpses of tomato plants dead in their little tomato cages and sunflower skeletons, that are long past being food and shelter for all of our feathered friends, I wish that I could just skip the hard work of pulling out all the old rubbish and just throw out some seeds and hope for the best.

That is the exhausted me talking. The one who's poor health over the past year had once left me feeling a bit like the glorious sunflower who is now just a dead stalk waiting for a strong wind to take me off somewhere to rest in peace. Which leads me to realization #2... In every season, there is a time and a place that requires you to ask for help. It takes two to make a farm work. You have to be willing to ask for help when you need it.

Obviously, this is not one of my strong suits. As the child raised with a loving mother and grandmother but with no man in the house, I swore that I would never be a helpless female and NEED anyone. My hobbies and the skills that I have acquired in this life have always supported this desire for self-sufficiency. Not that there is anything wrong with being able to do for yourself but I am learning that it cannot come at the expense of being able to be open to asking for help when you really need it.

Stan and I have made a pretty good team over the past 4 years. We have learned each other's strong and weak points (which has given both of us plenty to laugh about). I realize that asking for help from him makes him happy. I used to think that it just made me weak. We spent Monday pulling T-posts where Stan and Lexie had replaced the barbed wire fence on the south end of our property. We borrowed the neighbors Skid Loader and Stan taught me how to drive it. I would pull up to the side of the post, Stan would wrap a chain around the post and I would lift the bucket on the machine and it would pull the post right out. In less than an hour we had pulled over 30 T-posts and 8 railroad ties. That many posts would have taken days of digging by hand to remove. I had so much fun I couldn't quit smiling. Learning to operate heavy equipment fed my need to feel "powerful". It also gave me the opportunity to share something with my husband. Stan had so much fun watching me play with my new favorite in farm equipment. He could probably have done the job on his own but it would have taken alot longer and we would have missed out on a really fun evening working and laughing beside each other as well as the Kodak moment it created since he just had to get a picture of me and my mechanized joy. It made me wonder how many other fun and exciting times I have missed in trying to multi-task my way thru life to get the most done in the least amount of time. Now I realize I need to try to do more sharing and savoring of each and every moment as the prescious gem that time really is.

Over the past month, I have been preparing myself for my son's high school graduation. I realize that this is his "season". It is his time to go out into the world and have his own adventures. As Graduation day nears, I am also finding that I am needing to ask for some "heavenly" assistance in cutting the apron strings and letting go. From the time our children are born, we witness little goodbyes. From preschool and that first day in Kindergarten to Drivers Ed and Dating. We are taking baby steps to this final milestone. This is Skylar's time to find his purpose and passion in life. I'm done. Oh crap, I'm done. I hope what I have done has taught him what he needs. What if it wasn't? What if????? AHHHHHHH. These are just a few thoughts of a mother at graduation time.

It's different when it comes to farm life. With horses, you know there will come a time fairly quickly that you will sell them and breed the mare again for next year's foal. Thank goodness that only applies to horses because I can guarantee you I am DONE with the "new foals" phase for THIS old Mare!!!

We have had to talk with Lexie about selling her pony that she has outgrown so that we can use that money to train her paint horse. Rationally, she understands that the pony will be happier being with a different little boy or girl and she will be closer to her dream of being a great barrel racer. Emotionally, if she had her way, we would never get rid of any of our farm animals and there is a long list of critters she would like to add to the current menagerie. So she is also experiencing her very own little goodbyes.

I think there are plenty of things that will tug at my heartstrings as I part with them. My children leaving home, loosing beloved friends and family members and watching as the people who are close to us struggle or are in pain. These things are difficult goodbyes as we let go of what we loved or hopes and dreams that are shattered. As one door closes, another one opens. Which brings me back to the scripture that reminds us that we get to experience joy as well as sorrow. Which ever one we focus on seems to be the one we experience more of. It is my sincere wish to be more open to letting go and being more accepting. A wise book, I believe it was by Wayne Dyer, stated that the EGO stood for "Edging God Out". My goal is to say a little goodbye to my ego and invite spirit in as I say goodbye to my youth among other things and goodby to dreams lost and hello to even better ones found. To live my life to the fullest and not waste anything I have been given will be my dream come true. This year Spring is late but like I tell Stan when we talk about meeting when we did, Better LATE than NEVER!!! So go dance in the rain, gather in the lilacs and listen to the songs that the birds are singing so sweetly in the tree's before the time comes for them to be on their way with a little goodbye.