Gratitude

I have heard of gratitude journals before, but never put much stock into them. After the experiences I have had being grateful every day, I plan on continuing my gratitude journey here on Garden of Eggen. After you experience the changes that gratitude can make, you won't want to give it up either. Below are the posts from November 1st-24th, 2011. You can tag along as I continue on my path with an attitude of gratitude. As for today, Happy THanksgiving.

I am grateful for Thanksgiving. I have noticed a subtle but amazing transformation in my attitude merely from posting a gratitude once a day. I found myself having the ability to brush off some difficult situations. I feel more able to live in the present and have hope for the future instead of putting up with the present and feeling fearful of what the future held. Happy Thanksgiving to all my dear friends and family. I love you all.

I am grateful for music. I love how the magic of an old song can take you back to a memory long ago. What is your favorite song that evokes a favorite memory?
I am grateful for being warm. Electric Blankets, a furnace that works, and lots and lots of blankets...and a hot cup of peppermint tea. I am reminded that especially on a cold day like today that being warm is something so many of us take for granted. I pray for those who don't have a warm home that they may find shelter.
I am grateful for laughter. It can snap you out of a pity party. It can bring relief to those who mourn loved ones lost and it brings a smile to your face and makes it harder to feel anger and pain. Thanks for those that make me laugh...even at myself. What's your favorite comedy tv or movie???

I am grateful for Sunflowers. I hope to live my life like them. Always turning my face towards the light of the sun. I am grateful for all the miracles in my life too. Sometimes we are blinded by pain and negativity. The gift that gratitude offers, when you seek it out each day, is to take off the blinders and to see the amazing beauty in your life that was there all along. Who knew???

I am grateful for my health. I may not be where I want to be yet but I know this will change. I recently heard a quote "In School, you learn the lesson and then you take the test. In Life, you are tested and then you learn the lesson". I have learned lots of lessons thru the past 2 years. I no longer ask to have my life back, I give thanks for the one I'm about to live. It's bound to be pretty amazing!!!
I am grateful for our home. We have had alot of fun here on the farm. It has been my inspiration and sometimes exasperation... It has taught me alot and given me stories to tell on my blog. I love our Garden of Eggen.

I am grateful for my friend. Growing up, my friends were my sisters. Still today, I consider my friends my family. Thank you to all of you who have helped me along the way. Love you all.

I am grateful for all the animals in our life. My dog Myla is a rescue dog and more than a little neurotic. She is also the sweetest dog I have ever known. I also love our cats even with their attitudes that THEY are in charge and will only be snuggled when they want to. I love our rabbits and the joy they give Lexie when she reads them stories. I love our chickens and the delicious eggs they give us. I love our horses. They have made my little girls dreams come true. They also feed my husbands wild cowboy soul. I always loved cats and dogs, but never imagined myself living on a 10 acre farm and enjoying every minute I spend here. Lexie's Christmas list now includes a Goat...so I guess we will love that too.

I am grateful for the beautiful world that we live in. I am grateful for the time I get to spend in nature. I'm thankful for the peace it creates within and how it fills me when I'm feeling empty inside. I am also grateful for my Canon XTI to capture it and take it home with me so I can share it with others.

I am grateful for adoption and the blessings that it brings to families. To all the birth mothers and adoptive families out there that have worked so hard to become a family, we love you all.

I am grateful for all our service men and women. The ones who lost their lives whether in death or in not coming home the same person as when they left. As well as those who serve at home. Thanks to my Dad who served in Korea and Stan's Dad who served in WWII. Thanks to my son who is now a Marine. In last week's Parade magazine in the Sunday paper there were many suggestions on how we can support our troups: homesforourtroops.org, guardianangelsforsoldierspet.org, cellphonesforsoldiers.com, dvds4vets.org, coupsfortroops.com, operationgratitude.com/volunteer, soldierpackages.org. Gratitude can be shown by volunteering. Help those who keep us safe.
I am grateful that my son chose to be a Marine. Happy Birthday Marine Corp!!! Thanks to all our Marines. We love you.

I am grateful for my failures. They led me to my successes. For as big of a failure that I have been, I am PRETTY successful...
I am grateful for Books. I may never make it to college but have learned so many amazing things from them. When I met Stan, I had given up men for books (the Library had a better return policy :D ). In a community college class I was taught that when I really need the answer to something or I am struggling in life, to go to a library or bookstore and before you even get out of your car, set an intention/prayer/whatever you want to call it, "Guide me to what I need". Inevitably I will walk the entire library sections or bookstore aisles until something stands out. I will pick up the book and again repeat my intention and open to any page. You would be amazed at the words on that exact page or even the whole book or it's subject will be exactly what I needed to hear. Sounds crazy? I dare you to give it a try.

I am grateful for having just what I need...right when I need it. I'm grateful for my emotions, they have served me well. I have enjoyed the ride on an occasional mood swing and been taught many well needed lessons by some of the more difficult emotions to feel. I am also grateful for the physical things in life. I have learned that my life is not defined by what I own or the size of clothes I wear. (Although I do miss the single digits in my size, but that's just my vanity talking...) I release that which does not serve me and make room for all of the gifts in my future... That's pretty grateful for a Monday :D

I am grateful for spirit in my life. Whether your Mormon, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Sufi or Catholic, may we all recognize a power greater than ourselves that resonates with us in our soul at work in our lives. I am grateful to be the daughter of a loving heavenly father who accepts me with all my imperfections. I am grateful that we all get to worship as we choose no matter what that is. To all my friends, spiritual and religious, Namaste!!!

(later post - sometimes it's easier to see the divinity in others but not ourselves. I can't remember who said this but I remember it well "we cannot recognize in others what does not exist in ourselves". Every day everyone of us has the opportunity to choose to be positive or negative. How we react to those around us who chose differently than us and our emotions about them are a clue to where WE are at. I have learned that for me, my emotions are a barometer and that if I don't get sucked in to hatred, anger and negative emotions, the positive in my own life expands.)
I am especially grateful for all my kids. The one's I gave birth to and the one's I inherited. I love you all SO much.

I am grateful for all the "medicine" that keeps me going. From Pulmonologists to Reiki Masters, from inhalers to essential oils and from pills to people who love me, it all works to get me well. Love from my friends and family and their kindness is a healing balm for my soul. Thank you!
I am grateful for the days I feel good. I am grateful for friends and family who are there on the days I'm too sick to leave my bed. I am grateful for caring Dr's who are helping me to figure all this out so I can be well and have my life back. Thank You.
I am grateful for electricity after a couple of days without it off and on...
I am grateful for a wonderful life. Sorry to be so sappy but my heart is full of gratitude. I am so truly blessed. I get to be married to this crazy goofy man who is just crazy enough to love me. I finally got my wedding ring back with the diamond back in it (thank goodness for insurance). I have had so much happiness in my life over the last few days listening to those little nudges from spirit to do crazy things that may not make sense at first but turn out to be blessings in disguise. I miss my grandkids (and kids) and getting to see you all in your Halloween costumes. Lexie has the flu so post all the cute pictures and we will bring you your candy when we are all well. Hugs to you all :D

Chick-in-Charge

I will be the first to tell you that there is still plenty I need to learn about this whole farm life thing. It's pretty obvious when it comes to the larger animals... the difference between a stallion and a mare...Whoa Nelly is there ever!!! Not so obvious when it comes to rabbits as we have had 2 for some time now and even though they have been caught doin' the wild thing, the bunny count remains at 2!!! Are they gay? Sterile? Not sure. Don't care. Just reaping the benefits of 2 rabbits NOT reproducing.

Then there are the chickens. This spring you may have read that Stan and Lexie brought home 4 baby chicks. Stripes, Chicken Little, Blackie and Little Red. The knowledgeable salesman at IFA assured us that we would have 4 little hens laying eggs in 6 months and that all but stripes layed brown eggs. Stripes would lay what they call "Easter Eggs" because they would be green. Now I trust this man, LeRoy, knowledgeable IFA salesclerk. I have to because my friends...I am clueless.

Before my gig as Farm Wife, I was a different kind of "Chick-in-Charge. An Executive Assistant. I hired and fired. I shopped at high end stores (even if it was for my boss), I now shop at Cal-Ranch and Intermountain Farmers Association instead. Back then I made reservations at fancy restaurants. Now I make reservations with the farmer down the block for bales of hay for the winter and run my farm errands in a 1948 Ford Tractor and a Dodge Pick-up. I used to place orders with the travel agent for flights to International Destinations all over the world. I now say things in IFA that sound like some foreign language or secret code. "I'll take 2 Gold Horse Conditioner, 1 Laying Mash and 1 Laying Pellet and where and what is DCE? to which LeRoy says "Oh, Dichloroethene, it's on isle 7 an keeps yer chickens from havin' ticks n such"...and he kindly tosses it all into the back of my truck with a "Air ya R Maam...Have a Nice Day".
Before becoming a Farm wife, I didn't know what any of that was(especially DCE). My dress code used to include Ann Taylor shirts and black "power suits" and stiletto heels . Now, my dress code includes Carhart coats, Wrangler Jeans, rubber manure boots and Pigskin work gloves. (I still get to experience that "new-leather-smell" but it's not from the bosses new luxury car on the way to the car wash, it's just from the Pigskin Gloves as I wear them on my way to the barn.) But I digress...back to the barnyard...

So August comes and we have our 1st egg!!! Oh the excitement to see that brown beauty. We are only getting one egg every few days, and they are always brown, so I begin to pay special attention to Stripes. Yes, I know that we were told we had 4 hens but Stripes has a longer neck and lots more fluffy feathers. I question my husband who is an old time farmer and knows all about these things. He tells me that Roosters have bigger "combs" (the big red floppy thing on top for those non-farm-educated like me). Stripes comb was the smallest of all 4 chickens so with that I am reassured. Then a few weeks later, I notice tail feathers, long beautiful green ones...on Stripes. Then noises, early morning noises. Could Stripes be a Rooster? No, my farm husband assures me, Stripes is just answering to the neighbors Roosters. Then it happened...Lexie comes in and says "What is Stripes doing to Chicken Little? OH, it IS a Rooster my dear husband says. What about the comb? I guess Stripes has a little "comb-envy" and it's not size that matters (at least with chicken combs). How is it that I am the only one who picked up on the male vibe, comb-or not, Stripes is indeed a Rooster. Well, after a few mornings of his alarm ER-ER-ER-ER-ERRRRRRR going off before my regular alarm clock, it was time for Stripes departure.

Mr Stripes the Rooster

Lil Miss Chicken Little



I keep thinking, the reason we are doing this whole chicken thing is to have eggs right? So I'm cruising KSL.com for a replacement hen and there she is. In the same town we live in, a new Leghorn (the big white regular looking ones that lay white eggs)who is already laying for $5.00!!! So I surprise my family with Gretta Egg'nlayer.

Miss Gretta Egg'nlayer

Now Gretta Egg'nlayer comes from a large flock of hens who have never been played with and have never been caught. She's a strong-willed German girl who knows who is the boss and isn't afraid to remind you that it's HER! In our flock, the Chick-in-Charge has always been Chicken Little. Our flock have all been handled and loved since they were chicks. When we go out to feed, Chicken Little flies up on top of the hen house as if to say "Hi...Whatcha doin?" and expects you to visit and pet her a little before you steal the egg she has so graciously laid for you. I also notice that Chicken Little is the only hen who sits in the 1st of the laying boxes in the Hen house. That box is also the only place we find eggs.

Chicken Little



So I introduce Gretta to the flock. There are big noises exchanged between Gretta and Chicken Little. Houston...we have a problem... Have you heard the term "too many Chiefs and not enough Indians"??? What happens when you have 2 Alpha Chicks. I tried separating them but within minutes of being together, the bickering started. The term "Hen Pecked" has a whole new meaning after you have seen an actual hen pecking. They are mean. Viscous. As Scooby Doo says...Rah Roh Raggy...what have I done! None of them are going to lay eggs if there is this much fighting going on.

The next day, it rains and rains and just when you think the storm has passed, it rains some more. So finally all the chickens are cold and wet and for the first time, all of them are in the hen house. Gretta has obviously stood her ground and is perched alone in the 1st laying box and the other 3 hens huddled next to the feeder trying to stay warm. Then I see that right next to Gretta is one brown egg and one GIANT white egg, the biggest egg I have ever seen. What? Could it be? Instead of them refusing to lay eggs, now it's a contest to see who can lay the biggest egg in the nest first! I'm good with that and I go to bed that night feeling pretty good. Maybe they have learned to get along after all.

Next morning, no such luck. After several trips out to check on the chickens, I see that Gretta and Chicken Little still have ruffled each others feathers and fight to see who will win. However, now I see that Chicken Little has Blackie and Little Red on her side and it's 3 against one. They have Gretta cornered and she flies on top of a tree branch trying to fly over the chicken wire to freedom. I knocked her off but she just kept trying to get over the fence. This evening, I went out to find Gretta perched atop the chicken wire and again, all 3 of the other hens "egging" her on to run away and this time when I shake the fence, it knocks her OVER the fence and into the neighbors yard. Lexie and I ran and chased Gretta until all 3 of us were worn out. That stubborn Gretta crawled between the hog wire and chicken wire that makes up their round corral. I was able to grab her and work her way to the top and pull her out. I brought her in the house and Stan quickly clipped her wings so she wouldn't be able to fly over the fence any more. As I put a rather deflated Gretta back in the corral she walked into the hen house and layed in the last laying box, resigning her Chick-In-Charge position to Chicken Little.

Now I realize that this is a rather long post but it got me thinking. In life, who are your Gretta's. Who are your Chicken Little's and who are your Blackie and Little Reds? Who has to be the boss, be right, or be controlling at any cost. Who purposely creates contention in your hen house? What loyal friend has your back when faced with a hen-pecking opponent? Who has clipped your wings in order to protect you from hurting yourself. The lessons learned on the farm rarely only apply to animals. As I watch their behavior, it has taught me so much about my own life and how much I get in my own way. I also realize that I am quite enjoying not being the Chick-in-Charge. What I receive from releasing my need to control is hard to put into words but is changing my life for the better. Just like all my life teachers, 2 & 4 legged... They have taught me over the years. "Control is an illusion" "Let go and let God". "Faith and Fear cannot exist in the same place". It's easier said than done but a lesson that keeps teaching me just the same. We are all tucked in here at the Garden of Eggen and all of our prayers are the same...for peace and to never take anything for granted...(you may be chicken dinner if you don't behave!!!)

"Dear Lord, Thank you for all my blessings...especially the cute mare. Amen"

I love my Adrenaline Junkie

Tonight we went up the canyon for a barbeque with the Search and Rescue team. They invite the retired team members so Stan and I got to go enjoy a wonderful meal and listen to them relive their adventures. (as Stan says the difference between a fairytale and a cop story is a fairy tale starts Once upon a time...and a cop story starts this is no _ _ _ _ ! I was there!!!) I've learned to go to these events with an open mind and an empty stomach especially when it comes to the more graphic stories and sometimes I wonder how they do what they do and still keep their sense of humor. I think that is exactly how they do it. Laughter doesn't sound like it really belongs with tragedy but at times, it's the only thing that gets us through.

Alot of people have told me about my Wild Irish Husband. Saying things like "Hold on, he's a wild one" or "Life with Stan is going to be an adventure" and they were right. But that is what I love about him. He see's life thru curious eyes always wanting to see what things are all about and how they work and how you could possibly have more fun doing something that is rather boring. Sometimes I find myself getting impatient with him but I realize that's just my fear talking because I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. But there is nothing quite like a great ride on the Harley to remind you of that feeling of being alive. So with a healthy dose of fear, a little Irish luck,and a desire to feel alive, we can continue on living this adventure together as 2 wild and crazy Irish heathens who appreciate life and all it has to offer.

My addiction to possibilities...

I've been battling a nasty sinus infection for some time and not feeling good has had me doing some channel surfing while snuggled up in bed. I did find myself mesmerized, disgusted and in awe when the channel surfing ended on the show "Hoarders". I looked in disgust at piles of smelly garbage and these people who have lived that way for years and it's like they don't even see the nightmare that their life has become. How on earth does that begin? How do you go from a functioning member of society one day to being unable to throw away anything ever?

A few years ago, I went thru a phase where I willingly sold most of my worldly belongings and packed up to move 2500 miles and start a new life in a new place in a 30 foot motor-home. Hind sight being better than the vision I had at that particular time, asks me what the *bleep* was I thinking! At the time I felt I was giving something my very last bit of effort to say I did everything I could before I would have to say goodbye and allow life to take me on to the place I truly belonged.

I will say it was very freeing to just let things go. To see my salon equipment go to a new hairstylist who had that fresh-out-of-cosmetology school excitement made me feel good. Then there were a couple of newly weds who received household goods that would no longer be needed in what my little girl called "our house on wheels".

The only thing I had a difficult time letting go of was my fabric stash. I was just like one of those crazy old cat ladies who has their double wide trailer stacked to the rafters with "things I can make something out of". I forced myself to sell some pieces and the hardest part was that each piece had been lovingly selected over the years as I had worked at fabric stores or had envisioned beautiful outfits for my little kids but never quite had the time to make all the things that I had intended to for them. Selling that particular piece of fabric meant the death of that dream and that particular possibility.

                                                           My girls in the clothes I made them.

                                                        Afghanistan Quilt project 2008

 I vascilate between chucking it all and saving each and every thing I find. I have an inner battle that feels a bit like the 2 fairies in Sleeping Beauty fighting over which of their ways were right and I get stuck in the middle covered in pink and blue pixie dust. My fabric stash has been trimmed and trimmed and trimmed to the point where it is manageable(almost). My daughters have all had bags of fabric and notions passed their way and it does my heart good to know that maybe they can use it to make something that they envision. Even if it is different than the possibility I saw, maybe it will be something even better. It's been that way with alot of things. The dreams we have in our youth don't always work out but I am so very grateful for unanswered prayers and the broken road that has lead me right to where I am this very moment in time.

Our chicken's have started to lay eggs so Lexie has asked for an apron to gather eggs with so I better get sewing. Who knows what one of a kind invention we will come up with.

The Hope Chest

I laughed when I heard the words "cedar chest" from my 10 year old daughter as she told me that's what she wanted for her 11th birthday. She is a kid after my own heart, oldfashioned to the core. We love antiques and special things from special people and that's what was stored in my Grandma's Cedar Chest. The aroma of aged cedar, cotton and old paper was strangely comforting. I knew when I smelled it I was going to be lucky enough to snoop through all the treasures and trinkets that had been tucked away for safe keeping. The first thing I went to was always the same. A gold plated brush, mirror and comb set. It was still in the original gold and white striped, satin lined box it came in. I felt rich when I held it and I knew it must be special because Grandma would never let me brush my hair with it.

Some people call them a "hope chest", I guess because a century ago, a woman's treauseau was the only thing she brought to the marriage beside's high hopes and elbow grease. The only chest I hoped for was for one that would require more than a training bra to keep in line. I was hopefull alright, obsessed was more like it. I remember walking in on Grandma getting out of the tub and telling her "I want big boosies like Mama, not little ones like you" at the ripe old age of 5. All I can say is be careful what you wish for!!!

My Grandma bought me my cedar chest when I was still a little girl. She moved it into her room and it was right next to hers at the foot of her bed. I remember watching her do embroidery on pillow cases with kittens and sunbonnet sue just like I had asked for and when she finished she would let me fold them up neatly and tuck them away. As a child you don't exactly have lots of worthwhile treasures to stash so part of my beginning collection was of the goofy serving aprons given if you served refreshments for someone's wedding reception. By the time I married, Grandma had kitchen and bath towels, dishes, glasses and all kinds of bedding to include a beautiful burgandy satin comforter that she had hand quilted.

I didn't even need wedding presents with all she had stored for me. Grandma left me love notes with all the special things she put in that I didn't know about. The tiny ribbed t-shirt her son Max wore before he passed away at just 8 years old. His little leather work gloves and harmonica. I knew it was hard for her to part with the few posessions she had of his so it meant just that much more to me and I still have them.

After I got married, we moved alot. The cedar chest became the place we stored important papers and other things so they wouldn't get lost. I saved my children's blessing outfits, their favorite blankie's when they had hugged them until they were falling apart. My oldest daughter got her cedar chest for Christmas one year so then when my 2nd daughter was old enough, I gave her my cedar chest. When Grandma died, I carefully moved her cedar chest into my home and put it at the foot of my own bed. I put her favorite apron in, cooking stains and all because it still smelled like her and I couldn't bring myself to wash that out. I also went thru her kitchen utinsel drawer and found the spatula and meat fork that Grandpa had hand made for her, carving the handles out of long narrow blocks of wood. I stashed my favorite cereal bowl, my 1st toy and the Book Of Rememberance that had all the family history Grandma worked so hard to discover. I also have her reading glasses. They remind me of all the hundreds of hours she wore them while making things for other people and never anything for herself.

I wondered when I began my search if I would even be able to find a cedar chest anywhere since it's not exactly still a tradition. A coule of years ago I ended up storing a cedar chest for a friend who didn't have room for it in her apartment. A coupld of months ago she called to say she was picking it up so her daughter could sell it at a yard sale to make money to help with their upcoming adoption. I jumped at the chance to buy it from her and pay her the money so she could help her daughter. So Lexie not only has a cedar chest of her own, but it is from a special friend and already has important meaning to her. I went thru my own cedar chest and took out things I wanted to share with her. Her first baby dress, her baby quilt I made her that she called "stars blank". We made her put it away a year ago since it was falling apart from years of serious snuggling. Now it has it's final home in her own safe place. In doing this, I found so much joy in passing things on, that I finally understood what it was like for Grandma to give me her beloved Max's things. Like Grandma I know someday my story will end but my daughter's will continue on. So just like her older sisters, we all are proud cedar chest owners. We may be a bit old fashioned but we know that it isn't the stuff that makes us happy, it's sharing love and memories with our family. I hung Grandma's apron on my sewing room door and as I sew new aprons for my grown children, it's like Grandma is standing in the corner watching over me. We live a truly beautiful life here on the farm. It does my heart good knowing that Lexie has had a wonderful opportunity to spend the last 5 years here and become an old fashioned farm girl too.

All in the Family

As I made my rounds on my "Morning Mowing Meditation" in the orchard, I was amazed once again to see the beauty of our farm. I also noted how strange it is to be down to only 3 horses. It seems like just yesterday that we had 7. I also remembered when Stan's horse Chief died and how the rest of the animals would neigh and call out as if they could call him back to the pasture. He was their gentle leader and protected them for so many years. You could feel the other horses sadness especially Shadow, Chief's best buddy, who continued to look for Chief until his last day on the farm.

Many times our farm life imitates our home life and this is one of those times. Horses are herd animals and if one is taken away they all become very unsettled no matter how close or distant they were to the one that left. The energy is forever changed between the animals and things that they would have never paid any attention to now scares them as they don't want to lose any member of their family.

I remember taking in our friends horse and how that crazy and neurotic gelding almost tore down our barn because it couldn't seem to get along with any of the other horses. His name was "Radar". Very fitting as he had an overactive sense of everything around him and would jolt anytime you even thought of getting near him. The more we tried to love him, the worse he misbehaved. We were so glad when we were able to send him away so that our horses could recover and we could repair the damage his negative energy, fear and paranoia had done to the barn. We tried to take good care of Radar but when it was at the expense of our own beloved animals we had to send him back to his owners to protect our own herd.

I'm sure you have also read in earlier posts about our pony Little Red and how her adventurous spirit lead her to run away any time she could. We wanted Radar to leave as much as we wanted Little Red to stay. I loved that little pony with all my heart as she made my little girls dreams come true.

 I loved watching Lexie brush her and feed her and hold her. There was a magical connection between those two. A connection that she didn't have with anyone else. One of my husband's favorite memories was of surprising Lexie with her own pony. Those were some very special times. But no matter how much love and affection we gave Little Red, she wanted to be free more than she wanted to be loved in the way we had intended. As Lexie out grew her favorite pony, we decided to sell her to a little boy who could enjoy her. We sadly sent her on her way in hopes that a little boy would love her the way she wanted to be loved.

                                                                                Myla Dog
So many things have been changing with so much of our family. Our immediate family, extended family, adopted family and so on. Even our Animal family. Here on the farm, it is interesting to watch as the different animals interact. We watched our dog Maddie mother our 2 cats when they were tiny kittens. They grew up knowing that if they needed protection, Maddie would be there to save the day. Then Maddie had to be put down and the cats have been more than a little leery of the new farm dog. To them, Myla has been a big, black, intimidating creature that they want nothing to do with. Although Myla sits back and doesn't understand why they hiss at her when she tries to give them a kiss. She is just a snugly puppy who forgets she is not a little dog anymore. Last night was the first time that our cat Oreo actually jumped on the bed to visit with us even though Myla was taking her fair share of our "Country" King. I think he realized that Myla wasn't going to eat him after all so there we all sat in peace. Oreo didn't have to like it, he could hate Myla all he wanted, but he would have to put up with her to be close to the rest of us.

As you have read in earlier posts, family has always meant so much to me since I had so little of it. There are people that I miss every day and just like those horses, I wish I could call them back to spend just one more day with me here on the farm. There are also people and places in my life that I had put away in attempt to protect myself from pain.

It is interesting how reading an obituary in the local paper suddenly took me back to the place where time stood still. I have been on a path that has allowed me a deeper understanding of forgiveness and unconditional love. Although learning those lessons have come from the "gifts" of painful relationships being brought from the shadows of long forgotten memories to stand in the light of day. As I re-evaluate the pains of the past it's strange how a decade of my life has come back to be released and allowed back peacefully into the timeline of my existence.

As I open an old box of photographs I am finally able to see them only as the moments in time that they captured. It's like viewing them for the first time because when they were locked away, they were covered in a blanket of pain and heartache. As humans, we tend to want to categorize things. Things are right or wrong, good or bad, acceptable or not. Loveable and unlovable. It's difficult to keep everything we encounter into a "corral" of it's own in a futile attempt to control something that wasn't meant to be controlled. I also realize that as forgiving and accepting as we try to be, there are certain times in life that doing the right thing means walking away from relationships that are harmful and even though some may not understand it, it actually is the loving thing to do.

Our hearts are broken for family members lost much too soon. We also pray for those left behind, that they find comfort in knowing they will be reunited with their loved ones somewhere in time. We acknowledge that even though we may have been unable to love as we wanted to in some cases that it doesn't lessen the importance of the time we spent together. We turn the desire to control things over to a loving heavenly father as we keep our love all in the family and embrace the unknown.

Apron Strings and other things...

With Spring being so late and so cold and wet it delayed things a bit here on the farm. I haven't got my garden planted and I am barely getting the grass in the Orchard mowed to feed the horses. In the Orchard the grass is almost as tall as the mower in most spots. It is quite a mud pit right now and there are 4 more days of rain coming. Out of the last 60 days, 50 of them were rainy. Even with the rain,I am so grateful that I am feeling better,and I'm able to do so much more now. I have done 2 photo shoots and I even started sewing again.

It's funny how we let fear make us feel stuck and unable to move forward. I finally finished the project that had me stuck and now I have found joy again in the simple things that make life on the farm so wonderful. I find that when I have no creative outlet, everything starts to fall apart, things just aren't as fun and I don't feel like I am my authentic self. Now the problem is my mind is racing with ideas for projects and I am trying very hard to live in the present and finish each project that I start before moving on to the next one.

I started sewing Aprons to sell and it has reminded me of my Grandmother who wore an Apron almost every day of her life. I have her Apron hanging in my sewing room and it's almost like having her there with me as I lovingly assemble each piece and complete a new memory for some other little girl who will watch her mother wear it. It is a gentle reminder of days gone by when the white rickrack and rose print fabric carried peaches from the tree, cleaned dirty eyeglasses and wiped away tears from little girls faces. As I sew a new apron, the smell of the steam rising up from the iron takes me back to dancing in the rain, hanging clothes on the clothesline in the back yard and how I loved the feel of cotton fabric in my hands. I love the sound of the freshly starched Aprons being tied in the back. The crisp fabric slipping into it's place as a perfect bow makes the same sound as a child biting into an Apple. It's hard to believe that a simple thing like an Apron can transport you back in time but it is worth the trip.

Today we bought a pre-fab Chicken coop. We did some extra things to it. Stan put shingles on the roof and I painted it Candy Apple red with white trim and we put it in the round corral. Finally moving the chickens outdoors has been a long awaited goal. Our dog Izzy also has a dog run now so there are no more stinky pets in the house. YIPPEEE....
I am so truly blessed. After all I've been thru, I now appreciate the small things in life so much more. So I am off to sew.